21jokes That Are Silly but Are Funny
Climbers aren't known for being particularly appropriate. Climbing jokes and puns are often crude, sexual, and dark. Just look at the names of many famous climbs like Geriatric Sex Maniacs from Mars (Red Wing), Penis Dimension (Vedauwoo), or Pocket Pussy (Red River Gorge). Be forewarned that these climbing jokes aren't for the faint of heart (and might be NSFW).
Without further ado, here are 21 of the best climbing jokes:
1. Bouldering is like masturbation: not as good as the real thing but you don't need to worry about protection.
Climbers love to make fun of boulderers. Because of the relative simplicity of their chosen form of climbing and how seriously they take it, they're an easy target. Often referred to as "pebble wrestlers", other climbers are usually just jealous of the incredible power and strength boulderers have. Don't worry, there are many more bouldering climbing jokes in this list.
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2. Q: How can you spot a trad climber at a party?
A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.
While you could easily change this joke could make fun of any type of climber, trad climbers are notorious for making sure you know that they climb trad. This could be an automated defense of their climbing ability (possibly after hangdogging on a harder sport route) or maybe just pride in their sport. Trad climbers are famously proud and sometimes snobbish, seeing other forms of climbing as lesser than the "pure" form that they practice. See Leonard Coyne talk about trad climbing versus sport climbing in the video and understand a little better how trad climbers see themselves:
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3. Q: What do you call a climber who has recently been dumped?
A: Homeless.
A classic joke about the "dirtbag" climber is that they rely on others for food, housing, and money. Whether they mooch off of parents, significant others, the government, or charity, the stereotype is that climbers are endlessly avoiding work in order to maximize climbing time. Whether you think they're resourceful or just freeloaders probably depends on whether you're the one being mooched off of.
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4. Q: How many climbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Climbers don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.
Dirtbag climbers are notoriously lazy when it comes to anything except climbing, and notoriously horny. Sex in a van would be luxurious, like a 5-star hotel. That is to say, more often than not after a long day of climbing, getting freaky in a sleeping bag is the go-to activity for climbers lucky enough to have a willing partner.
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5. Q: What do you do if a professional climber comes to your house?
A: Pay for your own pizza.
Climbing isn't like many other professional sports. Most professional climbers can barely make it on meager sponsorships and competition winnings, so they're probably still living the dirtbag lifestyle, and will take advantage of any free food opportunity.
6. Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a climber?
A: One goes, "Whack!," "Shit!," and the other goes "Shit!," "Whack!"
This joke compares two sports that aren't alike in almost any way and is a prime example of the dark humor that climbers love. The absurd juxtaposition of someone being pissed after hitting a small ball with a stick and with a climber realizing a potentially fatal error before falling to the ground is particularly morbid.
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7. Q: How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum?
A: He's got a beard, always wears the same clothes, and only works one day a year.
Another classic joke making fun of how lazy climbers are, this time with added elements of a beard and dirty clothes. This is the epitome of a dirtbag climber, minus the beard for female climbers (usually).
8. Q: What is Chris Sharma's favorite car?
A: Pasaaaaaaaat!
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9. Climbing is like getting oral from an ugly person: don't look down.
This isn't exactly accurate, since looking down periodically is necessary and recommended for most forms of climbing. But imagining a climber having the same reaction to looking down while climbing as they would to finding an unsightly person at their genitals is pretty funny.
10. Q: How many boulderers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 7—1 to actually screw in the light bulb and 6 to cheer them on.
Boulderers seem to naturally climb in packs. They might claim they are "spotting" the climber, but more often than not they are just shouting suggestions and repetitive encouraging phrases like "stick it!" or "get it!"
If you like this, checkout: Worshiping Rocks: Hilarious photos of spotters without climbers
11. Q: What's the difference between a climber and a savings bond?
A: A savings bond eventually matures and makes money.
With the growing popularity of indoor climbing gyms, these type of climbing jokes might fall flat in 10 years. But historically climbers have been vagabonds, bums, people on the fringes chasing a dream at the expense of most other areas of their life. See Cedar Wright's take on climbing's Last Dirtbag.
12. Part 1: Q: What happens when Adam Ondra pinches limestone?
A: He gets lime juice
Seriously have you seen how strong this guy is?
Part 2: Q: What happens when Adam Ondra pinches limestone?
A: Everyone around him goes deaf
Seriously, have you heard this guy climb?!
13. "Mommy when I grow up I want to be a rock climber!"
"Well honey, you can't do both…"
Yet another joke about the maturity of climbers. And judging by the names of climbs we mentioned in the introduction, you can't really argue. While climbers might imagine themselves as gods high up on the rocks, they are in fact "conquerors of the useless" as Yvon Chouinard so eloquently put it.
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14. Q: How many boulderers does it take to climb a V8 in the gym?
A: 6. 1 to climb and 5 to talk about the one time they climbed outside.
Boulderers just can't catch a break. But seriously, tank top and beanie wearing gym boulderers are not known for their love of climbing outside. For instance, they much prefer the air-conditioned gym and plastic holds to the bug-infested, dirty outdoors.
15. Dissatisfied with his intelligence a man went to a store to buy a new brain. In the store he found a jar labeled: "Trad Climber's brain, $100." Next to it a jar that says: "Sport Climber's brain, $500." A third jar nearby says: "Top Roper's brain, $10,000."
The man asked the salesman why the Top Roper's brain was so expensive.
The salesman replied, "Because it's never been used!"
Really this joke could make fun of whatever group you don't like. Watch this classic parody of top ropers:
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16. Q: What's the difference between a climbing guide and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Some climbers pursue their passion and get a job sharing what they love with others. Often not seen as a "real" job, it certainly doesn't feel like one once you've see what they get paid. However, as the popularity of climbing increases, we hope this becomes an outdated and irrelevant joke.
17. So this climber dies in a climbing accident. Of course he goes straight to Hell. As he is walking through Hell with the Devil to his appointed station he sees this other climber whom he knows that also just died. However, this climber has in his arms this gorgeous naked woman. He turns to the Devil and asks "What's up with that, how come this scumbag has this beautiful woman in his arms?" The Devil turns to him and says "Never you mind, that woman's punishment is my concern".
Many a climber's significant other might find this hits a little too close to home.
18. Q: What's the best thing about girls who are into bouldering?
A: They have mattresses on their backs.
Can you call yourself a boulderer if you haven't had sex on a crash pad? Definitely some food for thought.
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19. Q: What do you call a climber with a vasectomy?
A: Dry Sack on the Rocks.
This joke is a reference to this amazing old-time ad:
20. Q: What do climbers and strippers have in common?
A: They both spend thousands perfecting their racks.
Is this more insulting to climbers or strippers? Strippers might actually recoup some of their cost, so it's probably a better investment.
21. Q: How do you get a climber off your doorstep?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Had to end with another "climbers are poor" joke. But as climbing grows in popularity outside of the "dirtbag" circles, these climbing jokes will make less and less sense, so enjoy it while you can.
Climbing Jokes: Less rack, more sack
Hope you enjoyed our favorite climbing jokes. Have any favorites that you didn't see? Let us know. For more funny content check out our humor page. To conclude, we leave you with some classic climbing pun wisdom: "Spread your legs and trust the rubber."
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Source: https://www.adventureprotocol.com/climbing-jokes/